Guidelines for Cheating Husbands

When I read about the ‘David Petraeus Affair’ I felt strangely compelled to write this post. There is nothing new or surprising about married men in powerful positions cheating on their wives. It seems to come with the job description. Mr. Petraeus is just another man in a long line of others caught with his ‘pants down’.

But this incident made me wonder: If the Director of the CIA can’t keep his extramaritial affair a secret, WHO can? I believe the lads in the cheating department need some help!                                                                                                                          Ladies, don’t get me wrong, I am on your side!. There is no excuse for a lying, cheating other half. But if men do it,  at least they should conduct their affair with some integrity and with no pain inflicted to their wives.

Considering my real life experiences either as ‘being cheated on’ or being ‘the other woman’, I am actually unqualified to write these guidelines ( as far as I know-). But, during my years as a coffee lounge owner I listened to enough real life break-up stories and I read enough Jackie Collins novels’ to know HOW the straying guys get caught.

Therefore, my housewive brain went into overdrive and I came up with these few, but simple guidelines for the cheater or wanna be cheater:

Gentleman, IF YOU DO IT, DO IT RIGHT!

But first of all let me tell you: You should be ashamed of yourself; there is NOTHING extra-ordinary about having an affair! If you are adament about having ‘a woman on the side’, at least make sure you

DON’T GET CAUGHT (This is why having á secret affair ‘is called secret)!

This involves                                                                                                                                                KISS & DON’T TELL!  Nobody wants to listen to a tattle tale. Haven’t you outgrown your bragging stage yet?

Try to keep your ‘lady of lust’ in the dark about your personal life and who you really are!                                                                                                                                           This in turn means your affair doesn’t know where you live (remember the movie”Fatale Attraction?”) , what your telephone number is or how to get hold of you via e-mail.

Make sure your ‘side interest’ doesn’t have any friends, i.e. she can’t brag about you!

Destroy all written evidence on paper or on electronic devices. Remember, if your wife does the laundry she will search every pocket of every piece of clothes you own!

If you need to use modern telecommunication devices keep in mind, deleted messages are still traceable. My suggestion for secret communication? Buy yourself a trained, mail pigeon! You only need to explain the arrival of the bird to your wife. I am sure you will find a plausible explanation!

If you mentioned you are going out of town, leave town as promissed. You never know if your wife took one innocent look at the mile reader before your departure…

If you are a well known public figure, make sure your other woman lacks ambition. God forbid she would use you for her own personal enrichment. (this is only applicable if you violated rule No.2)

If you are important and interesting to human mankind, start a blog or write an autobiography. If you have more pressing matters to attend to and need a woman to write your biography, make sure she is a) a good writer and b) totally unattractive!

Don’t make promisses like “I am leaving my wife and kids for you”. All hell breaks loose if you don’t follow through. Women can be quite persistent and nagging about these issues…

If all this sounds too complicated, follow the advice of our good friend Michel. His philosophy in life is:”Keep it simple, stick with your wife!” ( the one woman only- rule)

Now, most people I know would call this the norm, but for any cheaters or wanna be’s this may sound extra-ordinary indeed!

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